Snodgrass: 'Royalty'

Dear Mr Snodgrass,

Can you help? It’s almost time for me to step down from my role at the top of the ‘firm’ but I’m not sure I can trust my appointed successor. (He talks to plants, for example.) The trouble is, he’s also my son and I don’t want to upset him. What can I do? Get it right and there’s a K in it for you.

E. Windsor, Windsor

Dear Mrs Windsor,

Unfortunately, you have not identified the type of ‘firm’ it is for which you work. I assume a family business, but in what sector? Given most family businesses are small retail operations, and  you mention plants, might I rightly deduce that we are talking about a garden centre?

Regarding the botched succession, I’m afraid that you are essentially to blame. Succession planning is a serious business and you should have developed a skills development plan that would have assured your son’s competence. If it is not too late, train him now. There are plenty of skills academies around that will help the young fellow with tasks such as spreading manure, cleaning gnomes and testing fairy lights. (What is it with garden centres and Christmas, by the way?)

Thanks for the offer of ‘K’, by which I assume you mean potassium. I further deduce that as potassium is a key constituent of fertiliser, you mean a gift of  ‘Miracle Gro’, or similar. I would be happy to accept this via the usual HRville channels.

Dear Mr Snodgrass,

I have been the appointed successor to my mother for over sixty years and am beginning to wonder if she will ever stand aside and allow me to succeed. How might I convince her to hang up her boots?

Prince Charles, Highgrove

Dear Mr Charles,

From your phrase ‘hang up her boots,’ I deduce that the organisation in question is either a football team, a strip club or a warehouse. Let’s assume it is a warehouse. Now, from a Personnel point of view, your best chance of assuming a long-promised promotion is to ensure your skills are commensurate with the future of the business. So if, for example, the warehouse is keen to multi-skill its white-collar workers, use your time off wisely: eschew the darts league down the ‘pub’ or playing ‘footie’ with the ‘boys’ and get some additional training in a useful competency such as crate filling, conveyor-belt oiling or toilet scrubbing. My leaflet, How to Improve Yourself When You’re Only A Manual Worker, is helpful and widely downloadable.

Dear Snodmaster General (!),

Yo! Thing is chum, I need some serious tippage. Both Grandma and Pater have been having a go lately coz they say I’ve got to spend less time playing with my chopper and more time in a chopper (Army Air Corps, doncha know)? How can I convince them that I’m better off on leave than on ops? Eh??

H.Wales, Clarence House

Dear Mr/Mrs/Miss Wales,

You must work whatever hours are stated in your contract. And do not assume that in this day and age it is sufficient to ‘work to live’. You must ‘live to work’, or come retirement age your pension pot will be probably be about £8774 (pace, the Personnel press) and then where will you be? Also, don’t play with axes.

If you’re a star, please forward your HR queries to Nigel at editorial@hrville.co.uk

About the author

Nigel Snodgrass

Nigel has worked in Personnel for as long as he can remember. His favourite activities include time and motion studies, deliberating over the niceties of employment law, and not using the internet. When recruiting, he only accepts CVs by fax or post, and even then will bin any delivered in an envelope mailed with a second-class stamp.