A kick in the privates
The so-called 'Private Dancer' – chastised by Buckingham Palace – is getting a raw deal, says the Villain
Those of you familiar with The Villain will know I’m not prone to outbursts of sympathy – or any other emotions beyond anger and disgust, for that matter.
However, this week I admit to feeling the tiniest twinge for this guy, a guardsman who is now potentially facing the sack for adding a few flourishes to one of his recent marches outside Buckingham Palace.
The guardsman did a few spins, stooped over, sped up and slowed down during his march, much to the delight of the people filming it – and now, much to the chagrin of his commanding officers.
Essentially, what he did was neither particularly shocking nor funny (it’s the kind of thing that would have popped up in the last five minutes of an episode of ‘That’s Life!’), but now there’s a chance he’ll get the boot. A big shiny one, no doubt.
A spokesman for the Ministry of Defence offered this explanation: “Anyone who is found to fall short of the Army’s high standards can expect to face appropriate action.”
Right, so the problem here is that the guardsman fell short of high standards – for walking up and down. Really?
I’ve got a problem with this. To my mind, the guy did his job perfectly capably – even going the extra yard to please the punters. He didn’t neglect his duty, didn’t desert his post, and didn’t disgrace the uniform. Essentially, he carried out his (frankly pointless) job with a few fancy bits thrown in for the sake of some tourists. If that’s a sacking offence, I’m a Strictly Come Dancing fan.
Let’s face it – why do people stand at the gates all day to watch these guys? Is it to admire their skill, commitment and proficiency with a bayonet? No, they do it in the hope the poor sod will slip, faint or lose his hat to a stiff breeze. While he offered none of those, he did entertain them with a bit of larking around.
As for his official duty as a guardsman? Don’t make me laugh – in that garb he wouldn’t last five minutes as a doorman down at Tango’s nightclub. And as far as I can recall, nobody snuck into the palace and kidnapped the Queen while this was going on.
So, his sacking makes no sense whatsoever – and only serves to make his superiors look like the joyless old farts they probably are. By following his ‘job requirements’ to the letter, they’ve sucked all the fun out of the situation and face losing somebody who appeared to be enjoying what must be one of the world’s dullest jobs. And then there’s the deprivation of the tourists daft enough to watch this stuff all day.
Don’t sack him, I say – give him a pay rise. And on top of that, some sequins for his bearskin and some tap shoes to replace those ungainly boots. Let’s see more fancy footwork from our brave men!
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