Filter Questions

It’s one of the age-old topics of organisational life. Can you gauge a HR practitioner’s style by the kind of coffee they drink?

We decided to settle the matter once and for all by asking a panel of scientists. Unfortunately they were busy doing some real work, so we asked some idle colleagues round the water-cooler instead.

Anyway, cut out and keep this handy primer, and use it to get the measure of your colleagues.

Black Coffee. HR people who take their coffee black mean everything they say and don’t care about the impact on your feelings. Question her judgement and her expression will most likely be that of Chuck Norris overcoming constipation. Most likely to work in Outplacement or as a Business Partner.

Decaffeinated. Relationships with decaff HR people are always predictable and their advice is usually deeply risk averse. They’ll rarely make an actual recommendation, and when they do it won’t be in writing. Decaffs only get promoted when someone decides the department  ‘needs a little more stability in its leadership’. Most likely to work in HR Operations.

Double Shot Espresso. Unreliable, with occasional bursts of inspiration interspersed with long hours spent wearily staring at hiring data. Is as active as a sloth on an all-expenses holiday for ages and then – pow! – runs around for three weeks like a fly with a blue rocket up its blue bottom. Most likely to work in Graduate Recruitment.

Latte. These are HR people who need reassurance. Usually found somewhere in the middle of a team, Lattes are neither too pushy nor too backward. They’re always the first to organise birthday cards and leaving parties. Lattes either go home early to watch soaps with their pets, or go out every night to pursue ill-advised affairs with members of the Finance department. Most likely to work in Employee Relations.

Cappuccino. Look good and talk a good game, but Caps are always found wanting when it comes to delivery. Always first in line when it comes to attending – and speaking at length at – conferences, but not good at sharing reports afterwards. One can always tell a Cap by the smug expression on her LinkedIn selfie. Most likely to work in Employer Branding.

Anything with soy. Soys love themselves and are always opinionated, but rarely on any useful subject. Soys wear sandals, get their HR news only from the CIPD and send emails inviting you to sponsor them on a knitting marathon in aid of Nepalese monitor lizards. Most likely to work in L&D.

White coffee/Filter/Americano. Probably over forty-five and struggling to adapt to the complications of twenty-first century life. Most likely to work in Payroll.

Frappuccino. Never invite a Frap-drinking HR person to a meeting at which they’ll have to think on their feet. These drinks, with their hefty amounts of caffeine, sugar and ice, are really hangover cures. Most likely to work in Recruitment.

About the author

Andrew Baird

Andrew is the CEO of HRville. He is also Employer Brand Director of Blackbridge Communications, Editorial Director of Professionals in Law and an associate of The Smarty Train. Previously, he was the MD of TCS Advertising.