Snodgrass: Election special

Dear Nigel,

I’ve been in a position of leadership for five years now, and have been urging austerity all the while. (I believe that my predecessors were unnecessarily profligate, and someone has to pay the price.) Trouble is, people are saying I’ve gone too hard too quickly, and should consider diluting my approach. What do you think – listen to the naysayers, or tough it out?

David C., Downing Street, London

Dear Mr C.,

I’ve been in Personnel for over forty years now, and if there’s one change I can’t stand it’s this newfangled obsession with ‘dialogue’ and ‘engagement’. Leaders exist to tell others what to do: if the workers had any intelligence, they’d be in the boardrooms themselves. So stick to your guns. Spell out your message simply and regularly, and make sure you illustrate the consequences of non-compliance. A few heads on pikestaffs will shut the critics up, figuratively speaking. And if you ever doubt yourself again, ask yourself if Attila the Hun ever listened to focus groups. No, of course he blooming well didn’t, so nor should you.

Dear Nigel,

I’ve had a rocky time of it over the last five years. I’ve been a deputy leader, but things have gone awry and a change of administration might mean I’ll lose my job. Any advice?

Nick C., Putney, London

Dear Mr C.,

Let me put your mind completely at ease. Even if the old ‘administration’ changes, your role will be transferred to the new one as per TUPE regulations. Go out, have a few drinks and revel in your newly discovered job security.

Dear Nigel,

I think I’m about to move into a bigger role, but it looks like I’ll have to work closely with a rather aggressive Scottish woman who seems to want it all her own way. Any idea how I can keep her in her place without looking disrespectful?

Ed M., London

Dear Ed,

Is this woman going to be a peer or your boss? Your tone suggests the latter. My advice would be to make sure she gives you robust KPIs, and that you insist on a performance management framework that allows her to feedback on your progress regularly and honestly.

Dear Nigel,

From one Nigel to another (!) I was wondering how you might help me overcome my reluctance to work with foreigners. I’ve nothing against them, you understand – just can’t stand the blighters. Anyway, pint sometime soon?

Nigel F., Thanet

Dear Nigel,

You sound like you need to take a Diversity and Inclusivity course. Ask your HR contact to enrol you onto a good one. You’ll soon discover that foreigners can occasionally make worthwhile contributions in the right circumstances, even if you do need to shout at them repeatedly in English to get them to understand. And yes, mine’s a warm bitter, please.

About the author

Nigel Snodgrass

Nigel has worked in Personnel for as long as he can remember. His favourite activities include time and motion studies, deliberating over the niceties of employment law, and not using the internet. When recruiting, he only accepts CVs by fax or post, and even then will bin any delivered in an envelope mailed with a second-class stamp.