Made to measure

The Villain would like to extend his thanks to the people over at Sony, who this week unveiled a revolutionary new lifestyle tool at the annual CES technology geekgasm in Las Vegas.

Sony’s new device is a ‘lifestyle logging’ software that measures the user’s activities. By cleverly combining the software with smartphones and a wearable piece of technology, the user can keep track of how and when they used their smartphone, as well as logging whether they have been resting, active or somewhere in between.

This is an excellent innovation, and I’m sure all of my employees will be grateful when this technology becomes available to the public and I purchase one for each and every one of them.

What a boss I am. Providing the latest technology for my employees to stay healthy and engaged with the technology around them. I can already imagine the smiles on their faces.

And if you believe that you’ll believe anything.

If I really cared about the health of my employees I’d offer them gym memberships, cycle schemes or free fruit. But, since I don’t, I won’t.

You see, Sony have created the best, and sneakiest, workforce tracking tool I’ve ever come across.

Fag breaks, tea breaks, pee breaks – I can monitor them all. I can keep an eye on their chats, texts, tweets and tags. All from my desk. There’s nowhere to hide!

When an employee says they need time off for a funeral, and come back two days later with sunburn, I can finally confirm whether they’ve popped to Brighton for the day or if they sat too close to the front at the crematorium.

This is great! Thanks Sony – on behalf of bosses everywhere, you’ve made it easier to snoop on our staff. And that’s always a good thing.

About the author

The Villain

The Villain is not here to be nice.