How to screw up an interview

For some reason, you’re going to an interview for a job you don’t want. Maybe it’s an internal promotion you don’t fancy; maybe a recruitment consultant talked you into it and you didn’t have the sense to turn it down. Anyway, you’re in the diary and you’re going to go through with the whole annoying, where-do-you-see-yourself palaver.

Trouble is, you’re actually quite good at what you do and might be in danger of getting an offer. The only solution is to act so appallingly that the interviewers never let you cross their threshold again.

What kind of appalling? We reckon one or two of these will do the trick.

1. Turn up late.

Not mildly late, as might be excusable, or incredibly late, which suggests something important got in the way, but averagely late, which gives the impression that you just don’t give one.

Maybe conjure up an excuse that contextualises how important this interview is to you. ‘Yeah, I am a bit late, I suppose. What happened? Terrible trouble getting through to the This Morning switchboard.’

2. Wear questionable clothes.

Dress up, but do so badly. Perhaps: a two piece suit made up of two different suits; a scarf with a design made up of tiny male nudes; a small button badge that says I Like the Pope, the Pope Smokes Dope.

3. Diss the organisation’s strategy.

Ask about the strategy, then react to it with unreasonable violence. ‘Utter drivel,’ you protest. ‘As soon as you hire me, I’m walking straight into the Managing Director’s office and I’m going to put him straight, as my gift to you all.’ Then crack your knuckles like a a Hollywood heavy.

4. Ask about internet usage policy.

‘Do you track individual user histories here? I have a friend – [cough] – who got done for surfing filth in the office but outside of office hours, and that’s really unfair.’ When asked for clarification, go defensive and explain that ‘dwarf porn won’t Google itself, you know.’

5. Talk incessantly about work-life balance.

Insist on written confirmation that you don’t have to work weekends, evenings after five o’clock or any afternoon when Murder, She Wrote is showing on ITV3.

6. Deliberately confuse them with another organisation.

‘One of the reasons I work here is that I really, really love those Crunchy Nut Cornflakes you make. What? That’s Kellogg’s? Wow, you guys must be really butt-hurt.’

7. Ask the interviewer out on a date.

‘I can’t remember the last time I talked to a member of the opposite sex for forty minutes without getting slapped. Feels like we’ve got some chemistry. What say we hit the local Wetherspoons and take it from there?’

8. Bring politics and religion into the frame.

Shake your head when they ask about your experience in remuneration. ‘You can’t separate pay from capitalism,’ you say sadly. ‘Remuneration is so like working for the Man. Speaking of which, you don’t have a Methodist ghetto here, do you? All that Wesleyan Arminianism really gets on my nerves.’

9. Take a crossword.

‘What’s that? Do I have any questions? Sure. ‘Not a cat.’ Three letters.’

10. Laugh incessantly.

Guffaw at the most unexpected things. Point at your coffee cup and snigger. Flip the end of your interviewer’s tie and chortle like a thing demented.

Add extra spice by tying your propensity to chuckle to an interest in extremely random HR topics. ‘Did you see the article in PT,’ you interrupt, ‘about– snarf, snarf – apprenticeships in the – whoop, whoop – concrete industry?’

After which you lean back in your chair so far that it falls over, and literally ROFL.

About the author

Andrew Baird

Andrew is the CEO of HRville. He is also Employer Brand Director of Blackbridge Communications, Editorial Director of Professionals in Law and an associate of The Smarty Train. Previously, he was the MD of TCS Advertising.