Why I don't value values

Just come out of a two hour (two hour!) meeting about the organisation’s values. If I was depressed about them before I went in, I’m a damn sight more depressed about them now.

The meeting was facilitated by an external ‘consultant’. I don’t want to embarrass/get sued by him, so let’s call him ‘Josh.’ You’ll probably know the sort – the kind who tries to make up for his lack of experience and insight by dressing up his ‘methodology’ with all kinds of arcane terms that make me want to spill my guts into a bucket.

Actually, the whole episode has made me doubt the utility of values altogether.

Here’s how the process goes. Some SMT dullard hears about a value ostensibly held by another organisation. Suddenly there’s a need to ‘refresh’ ours in a similar vein. Before you know it, all kinds of budgets are pillaged to finance a ‘work stream’ that apparently has to encompass strategy, operating culture, employee feedback and (natch) the ’employer brand’.

And of course, the Hermes scarf-wearing militants from Marketing who insist on dominating the entire process (without paying one red cent for it) to ensure a ‘line of sight’ with the ‘enterprise brand.’

(30) Grand Larceny

See? I’ve only been out of there twenty minutes and already I’m wearing out the ‘ key on my PC.

Josh has recommended a c.£30K ‘investment’ that seems to involve him flying around the country running ‘Discovery Days’ with people whose opinions shouldn’t be listened to if our corporate life depended on it.

Here’s what I think we should do. Pay a chimp (and yes, I mean an actual, armpit-scratching, ooh-ooh chimp) to stick a pin in a dictionary. We take his first four selections and process those into a ‘behaviour set’ we’ve cut and paste from the Google web site.

Much better ROI there, I reckon.

Bottom line: values don’t add value. And if anyone else suggests that Passion, Integrity, Diversity and Courage can help our culture or productivity I’ll stick a ‘paradigm’ down their throats.

There, I’ve said it.

About the author

The Villain

The Villain is not here to be nice.