And the sinner isThe awards you really should be giving out
These days there are awards for everything. And we mean everything — from being the best janitor, to writing the worst sex scenes, or even for dying in the most idiotic ways.
If you can think of it, chances are that somewhere, someone is just lining up to give you an oddly shaped piece of cut glass or brass thingum.
We mention it, because next week is the 88th Annual Academy Awards — hot on the heels of the BAFTAs, where British people give the same people slightly different awards — and about twenty other committees of mostly old white men convene to pat each other on the back over jobs well done. This is known as “awards” season.
Quite a few people tune in to watch Leonardo di Caprio not win some of these awards, and otherwise to mostly goggle at beautiful people having a good time or something. Sometime they talk about how they need to do better on issues of diversity and sexism, then send away nominees with a goody bags containing things like liposuction vouchers and complimentary “vampire breast lifts” which sound, frankly, terrifying, while also casting a little bit of shade over that whole “not sexist” thing.
But clearly, since tens of millions of people tune in, there must be something in this awards stuff. So we thought maybe we’d leech off their success and help you come up with some awards of your own to dish out.
(Poorly rendered Blu-tack statuettes entirely optional.)
Best Writing (Adapted Excuse)
“I know I’ve been late a few times too many, but my car broke down on the weekend, so I had to take the bus, but the bus was delayed, so I walked to the train station and just as I was about to get on, my wife called and told me she was pregnant, and I was so surprised I had to sit down on a bench, and then I missed that train and had to catch the next one, which was too full.
“And that’s why I’m three hours late this Monday morning. But I swear, it won’t happen again.”
Best Writing (Original Excuse)
“I was just hitting send on my e-mail when I tripped and got sucked through my computer screen into the internet. It’s true. I fought for twenty years in the great Proxy Wars, and even stormed the Great Firewall with an army of trolls.
Huh? Oh. A day in the real world is ten years in the internet. I’ve seen things you wouldn’t believe. But anyway that’s the gist of why I was a couple of days past the deadline on that project.”
“I didn’t take your chicken and bacon sandwich from the fridge. In fact, I’m offended that you even think I would do something like that. Besides, I’m a vegetarian.”
*Is spotted two days later eating an entire packet of salami for lunch*
Best Supporting Actor/Actress
“Yeah, Barry texted me this morning to tell me he was feeling really sick. Yeah. Last night he said he wasn’t feeling too good as well.”
“What were we doing last night? Our monthly pint-racing competition, what else?”
“No, I don’t see how that could be relevant.”
“Well the guidelines could state what ‘Appropriate office wear’ really means a little more clearly. What defines appropriate? Appropriate for working on a computer, that could be anything. If professional cyclists can wear full body lycra, I don’t see why I can’t either.”
Best Makeup & Hairstyling
“Are you telling me a mohawk and cat’s eye contact lenses aren’t appropriate for a customer facing role? Are you serious? People love cats.”
Best Foreign Language Escapade
“Yes, I’m sorry but Tim won’t be back in the office until next week, at the earliest.”
“Mmm, I know I said that he was due back this Monday, but the embassy contacted us to say that he has apparently “gone native” with a tribe somewhere in the Congo.”
“Yeah, it sounds crazy I know, but it’s true. The last message we had from him was just a text message that said: ‘The horror… the horror.’”
Best Original Score
“Ellen, I can’t believe I’m talking to you about this again, but you either have to stop whistling that tune or you have to tell people what it is.”
Best Production Design
“I sent you out to buy plastic cups and an appropriate banner for a retirement party. And you bring me what? This clearly says: ‘Congratulations on your new baby!’”
“Look, I don’t even care if was all they had left and that “nobody is going to read it anyway”, it’s the principle of the thing. And why do these cups have pictures of unicorns on them? Wait — don’t even answer that.”
*Retiree walks into room an hour later, shedding coat*
“Who’s having a baby?”
*Guilty party nervously sips red wine from a pink unicorn cup*