Talked out
How to avoid small talk in the officeIf you’re reading this from beneath your desk, you’re in good company. Age UK has published a survey showing that over half of British workers avoid conversations at work. More than one in three do so daily, and one in eight actively resort to hiding just to dodge a dreaded chit-chat.
While the British stereotype includes a legendary capability to talk about the weather, the truth is that that’s merely a clever tactic to avoid more intimidating small talk. The UK has long had a case of smalltalkphobia.
Why else do you think we queue wordlessly? Why else would we embrace those self-service machines in supermarkets, despite the refrain of “Unexpected item in bagging area” being the third most annoying sentence in English behind “low-hanging fruit” and “planned engineering works”?
Most advice columns will counsel you to get your chin up! Enjoy your conversations! We all need to learn to be a bit more American in our social dealings — you’ll feel brighter and fluffier and more wonderful than ever! Reject the dour British way!
Forget that, we say. Your time is too precious to spend listening to co-workers blabbing about their old incontinent dog or how their barista forgot their soy milk and how they’ll never go back there again. We say you’re not going far enough in avoiding small talk.
Until chinwaggers pick up their game and start talking about something you care about, it’s time you learnt some pro-level methods to avoid small talk.
Invest in office camo
This one is so obvious you’ll wonder why you didn’t think of it. You’ll need a selection of post-its, biros, staplers and other stationery cupboard fare, plus a fair bit of sellotape.
Work it into a reasonable collage over your entire body, then be prepared for incredible results. Watch as colleagues think they’re going crazy as you melt away before their very eyes.
Not just good for avoiding small talk, but any boss with a deadline to grind will be left disappointed as you meld to your desk and become invisible. From now on, you’ll only be seen if you want to be seen. Be one with the ring-binders.
Tips are available in this video.
Talk to the hand
An alternative for those on a shoestring budget: get one of those corny T-shirts that reads “Talk to the hand.” Not only does it work for Arnie, but it can work for you too. Remain dedicated to the cause and soon co-workers will have no choice but to address your hand while you can continue working (admittedly, one-handedly).
The silent game
It’s time to bring back that perennial car trip favourite. See who can stay quiet the longest! More than a week and you get a prize!
Create an elaborate puppet
As long as it looks like you and has the ability to smile and nod, you’re good to go. Really, they’ll never know the difference.
Become incomprehensible
Ignoring or making obvious excuses to escape somebody can be quite hurtful to their self-esteem, and could cause an acrimonious office environment. What you really want is a set of completely incomprehensible statements to excuse yourself that they’re forced to pretend they understand, but are too embarrassed to ask what it means.
“Sorry, can’t chat now — those lug nuts won’t tighten themselves.”
“Duty calls, Brian. Five storks to a cork, and all that.”
“Can we catch up later? Spelt yield is up 23%, if you catch my drift.”
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