Beast Practice
Top Ten: Animals you can use in the workplace
Since before the invention of the wheel, humans have worked together with animals. That cute little Yorkie’s ancestors probably ripped out jugulars on command.
From the American plains to the Mongolian steppes, we have lived in harmony with nature, and then gone on to kill and eat most of it.
Recent history contains many examples of us working with animals, from horse-drawn carriages to carrier pigeons. However, modern times have seen most animals relegated to the sidelines as pets.
Cute, but that doesn’t put food on the table.
With more focus than ever on preserving nature and animal species, perhaps now is the time to look at ways we can integrate animals into a modern office environment.
And since HR is usually at the pioneering end of all office initiatives, what better place to try out office orangutans?
- Monkeys. Frankly, most jobs done by people could be done faster, and probably better, by monkeys. We all know it. Monkeys also appear to learn from their mistakes whereas people… not so much. That’s why most of our articles are already written by monkeys. Perhaps even this one. We’ll never tell. *smugly peels a banana*
- Cats. Well, OK, they probably won’t do anything for your productivity, but they are pretty cute and decent seat warmers to boot. Also they help to keep rat numbers at acceptable levels. [Ed: Apparently ‘rat levels’ are not a normal office thing to measure.]
- Falcons. Already adept at finding and killing small mammals for fun and food, their talents could be adapted to the lunch or coffee run. Diving through the window of a Pret and seizing a falafel wrap, or plucking a container of soup from an EAT counter. We assume you’d hang your contactless card on its leg. Think of the time savings!
- Piranhas. A little from leftfield perhaps, but this one has a rich tradition among supervillains. Regular people may have a few goldfish aimlessly milling about, but can goldfish devour your worst performer each month? We thought not.
- Bears. Several tonnes of furry, territorial anger with claws may not seem like the best thing to invite into an office environment, but bear with us. Bears can be domesticated, and we can’t think of any better way to commute into work.
- Cows. And to think, for all these years chumps have been paying for milk. Don’t they know milk comes for free from a cow? It probably even tastes better. And as soon as you’re growing tea leaves and coffee beans, you’ll be totally self-sufficient.
- Dogs. Improve office morale, fetch print-outs, and help keep up employee fitness levels. Excellent all round, and also under-rated as bearers of bad news. ‘What’s that Lassie? I’ve been fired with no severance pay? Who’s a good boy?!’
- Pigs. Less need to empty the bins, option to go truffle hunting, and apparently as smart as three-year-olds. What’s not to like? Pigs are like cleaner, happier and tastier people.
- Ants. Is there anything we can’t learn from the humble ant? Totally obedient, efficient, selfless. Your average employee could learn a lot watching them. To maximise inspiration value, we recommend filling your office with ants. Several thousand should be enough to set an example.
- Elephant. If you’re feeling under-appreciated in the boardroom, we suggest the subtle application of the elephant. Painting the letters ‘HR’ on its side and giving it a seat at the table should be enough. If there’s one thing people can’t ignore, it’s an elephant.
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