Call the HR cops
What constitutes an actual HR emergency?There’s been a minor media hoo-haa about a recent HR-related story arising from Greater Manchester Police. It emerges head of resources Lynne Potts has been given a car from the force’s fleet to ferry herself to and from work.
What makes this slightly different from a typical company car arrangement is that the car is an ‘emergency response vehicle’, complete with siren, flashing lights and presumably all the other crucial police accoutrements, such as a glovebox that holds a family box of Krispy Kremes, etc. (Come on, I’m only writing what you’re all thinking).
Now, perhaps we shouldn’t be too surprised that the story has got some tabloid editors into a tizz. After all, it incorporates some of their favourite controversy generators.
High-ranking female professional? Check. High-ranking female professional on a big salary? Check. High-ranking female professional on a big salary in the public sector? Check, check, checkaroo. Add to that the HR link, and it’s a story they couldn’t wait to get their teeth into.
Read between the screechy headlines and, of course, there’s not much of a story here. It’s simply a different set-up that enables Potts to benefit from a tax break. She won’t be the first employee to gain something from a deal like this, and she won’t be the last either.
But let’s face it – it is kind of funny. The idea of a head of resources in an emergency response vehicle, ready to race to the rescue of the organisation – and its employees, of course, it’s always about the employees – at the first hint of a 999 call.
It got us thinking about what might constitute an HR emergency.
One employee, who nobody has heard of, and who has 15 followers, has said something stupid on Twitter. It doesn’t matter if it was swiftly deleted – we need to cobble together a social media ‘policy’ (some arcane, unenforceable rules written by somebody who’s never used social media) and confiscate everyone’s computers, phones and smartwatches as they enter the building. This can’t happen again.
I’ve heard there’s going to be alcohol served at the staff Christmas party. Dust off that document from 1998 and remind all staff URGENTLY that fun will not be tolerated, line managers will be expected to monitor the behaviour of their team members at all times, and rule breakers will receive a frosty glare from their head of department the following morning.
An event is taking place – and our HRD isn’t speaking at it. A proper emergency, this one. Find out whether the HRD can be squeezed in at the last minute; we can’t risk a potentially disastrous drop in their profile. If they can’t be accommodated, get them to write a blog post about how rubbish the event is and how they didn’t want to speak there anyway. That’s what a true thought leader would do.
Barbara needs to work from home today; her children’s school is flooded and she has no childcare. Tricky, this one – do we have any hostage negotiators to hand? We’ve got to give Barbara what she needs, but we can’t open the door to everyone else who wants to work from home – everyone knows it’s just a licence to doss around and watch Cash in the Attic. Tell Barbara she can do it, but only for today, and she can’t tell anyone else.
A valued employee has a job offer from a rival firm. Time to finally offer them the improved package and terms they’ve been requesting for the past five years, but which you can only give them now they’ve been tapped up by somebody who appreciates what they’re worth. Again, this has to be kept top secret.
Dave from the warehouse has a paper cut. Where’s the incident book? Log the injury, inform Dave’s line manager, update your health and safety policy and brief the entire company on the changes – and when that’s all finished, think about offering Dave a plaster.
Some American bloke’s written a blog post that says all HR has been rubbish until now and everyone has to change. Well, he does make a good point – and he’s got a lot of LinkedIn followers so he must know what he’s talking about. Right, everyone attend an HR strategy day immediately, to bash out a new structure and approach to dealing with our people, based on what this guy says. Also, better schedule another one in six months for when everyone changes their minds again.
Somebody’s noticed there’s a seat empty at the top table. Quick, get in the car!
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