Family misfortunes
55% of people want work to have a 'family feel'. What's wrong with them, we wonder – don't they have enough horror at home?The CIPD’s 2015 Spring Employee Outlook Survey is out, and its most interesting takeaway is that 55% of employees say they would prefer to “work in an organisation with a family feel”.
To that we shake our heads in a disappointed manner. Can you imagine if you worked with your family all day? A nightmare scenario if ever there was one.
Don’t these people have families? This is one of those pipe-dreams that sounds a whole lot better on paper than it would be in practice. That 55% should be desperately trying to row back on those intentions while they still can.
HRville invites you to imagine the kind of family figures your various colleagues might turn into:
1) Line managers will be the backseat kids of the business world
“Are you done yet? Are you done yet?” comes the repetitive chirrup while they kick the backs of chairs of hapless workers. This is the reality of family. They may also get carsick in their own chairs and warn you only seconds before ruining the upholstery.
2) IT will transform into weird uncles
You know the ones. A dress sense kindly described as “distinct”, some strange quirks of speech and conversation, and the open secret that they may have experimented quite heavily with hallucinogens in the 70s.
Lots of interesting stories and a bunch of cool talents – but not somebody you want to hang around with all the time. Aside from overstaying his welcome, a strange and unidentifiable odour also follows him. Mothballs and damp dog, maybe?
3) Your boss will be like your dad
Not only will there be cringe-worthy jokes during times of crisis, but there will inevitably come a time where your boss sees a “shortcut” to business success which soon turns out to be a “longcut”.
All arguments to the contrary will be met with “because I said so” and a pride that will see the business crash and burn long before he admits he might have been a little off.
4) Accounts will be filled with teams of mothers-in-law
Exactly the sort of people you don’t want poring over your expense reports, tutting and querying everything you’ve done.
“You spent how much on what? Don’t you know you could get that cheaper in imperial tonnage? I don’t trust any company that wasn’t incorporated before the 1780s.”
5) Your oldest workers will become an HR timebombs
Older people have a reputation (wrongly deserved, of course) for getting a little stuck in their ways. They’ve also been known to become somewhat outspoken on a few issues.
So soon you’ll be dodging lawsuits like Neo in The Matrix, and your toilet break goodwill might be pushed to breaking point. Not too mention you’ll have to fend off an inundation of tightrope-walk questions as tactfully as possible:
“No, that’s not what the “coloured” setting on the washing machine means. Yes, those nice men in the restaurant can understand you just fine. No, I’m sure the Irish are just as honest and upright as everybody else. Let’s just play dominoes, shall we?”
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