Ice ice maybe

A writhing mass of sweaty flesh, bodies pressed against bodies a – what? No, not that. We’re talking about commuting here. Do you think about your family with that dirty mind?

On second thoughts, we don’t want to know.

To backpedal furiously, we’re worried about you. But not for the reasons above. If you hadn’t heard, a heatwave is on the way. Arguably it’s already here, with the mercury topping out over thirty degrees if you live in the South East, with things set to get better/worse tomorrow, depending on your views vis-a-vis sunbathing and/or heatstroke.

Although you might be thanking your lucky stars you don’t play tennis for a living, getting hot under the collar in the office is unpleasant in its own special way. Strict dress codes may be working to mummify you before death, with many currently developing a temporary phobia of coloured shirts and underarms.

Mankind was not made to work in an enclosed space with walking ovens (other people) while the sun relentlessly beats down through blind-less windows. Mankind was made to lie in shady hammocks and sip lemonade on days like this, in our humble opinion.

Kneel before the altar of your 72 hour anti-perspirant and despair, for it is most certainly a false idol.

Melodrama aside, HRville is here to offer you salvation. Having spent many a long summer in the depths of hell, we’ve picked up some excellent tips for keeping cool in the office, no matter the weather.

Swap your nine to five

It’s so obvious you’ll kick yourself for not thinking of it yourself. Problem: It’s too hot during the day. Solution: Stop working during the day!

Make like a Spaniard and take a prolonged afternoon siesta, then wake up fresh and start again at 9pm. Circadian rhythms are a whole load of nonsense, probably. We wouldn’t worry about it. This way you get to work in the cool, cool darkness. And no rush hour!

Disclaimer: You may need to bring your own lunch. Or would that be dinner?

Apply a little science

Heat rises. It’s that shimmer above tarmac on a hot day. So it makes sense that to cool down, you’ve got to get down. Not in the figurative dancing way, but the literal way. If you work on a higher floor, it’s time to migrate down as many stairs as you can. A deep basement is ideal.

If you work on a single-floor office, make do with what you have. Lie down on the ground. If you have digging tools, you know what to do.

Ice

You don’t have to work in a walk-in freezer to harness the power of ice. You probably know some of the entry level techniques like iced drinks and towel wrapped icepacks. But these are only a glimpse of the possibilities on offer.

Consider ice vests, or ice bras. A seasoned ice veteran may even eschew such luxuries and jump straight to being completely encased in ice. Ice bucket challenge eat your heart out.

The power of wind

We promise this is not an elaborate setup for a fart joke. Cool breezes aid evaporation, convection, and conduction which together carry heat away from the skin. Any air currents will do. Open windows, fans, air conditioning are all obvious candidates.

But failing that, large palm leaves and interns work pretty well. Blowing at one another works too, but when we tried it people got very weird about it.

In order to maximise air contact, we recommend you minimise your aerodynamics. Baggy clothes, walking around with arms in the air, generally increasing your surface area by any means necessary. Skinny jeans are out, pantaloons are in.

Eat spicy

We have been accused in the past of providing factually dubious or misleading advice. To that we say: sheer poppycock. And in the our spirit of providing peerless, top quality information, we suggest you ditch the cucumber sandwiches and mint juleps when keeping the heat at bay.

Instead of these wishy-washy half-measures, get yourself a searing vindaloo. Not only will the outside temperature suddenly become a mere distraction compared to your inside temperature, but science says that it’ll actually be serving to cool you down.

Increased blood flow (to your burning mouth) means more heat from your blood lost to the outside world, and increased sweating (because you can only just about handle korma) means you lose heat far faster. A double win!

About the author

Jerome Langford

Jerome is a graduate in Philosophy from St Andrews, who alternately spends time writing about HR and staring wistfully out of windows, thinking about life’s bigger questions: Why are we here? How much lunch is too much lunch? What do you mean exactly by ‘final warning’?