Motivation nation
What can the Tories learn from HR about productivity?As the Conservatives settle into their majority government, if they want to balance the books they are going to have to find ways to motivate the workforces of the UK without splashing the cash. HR could lend them a bit of expertise in this field — flexible working schemes, extra holiday, little cakes that spell “good job” on their desks, that kind of thing.
Here’s our humble proposals for a few pledges the incoming government could use to make the UK workers as productive as their European colleagues:
- This one has been a long time coming — reversing the working week. Instead of working Mon-Fri with Sat-Sun off, it should be the other way around. A hugely popular change and one that we’re struggling to see any downsides with. We’re pretty sure France already operates in this way.
- Make not working illegal. Suddenly everybody wants to be at work! Also unemployment is solved in a single stroke.
- Reintroduce national service. People will learn discipline and also be extra grateful for their office job after spending months training on a freezing mountain somewhere in Wales.
- Decriminalise all Class A stimulants. This will really give our workforce the extra edge over our G7 competitors. *twitch*
- In a bold move, flinging open the doors to totally free and open immigration could be the UK’s answer. Increased competition for jobs will make people work harder to keep the jobs they already have. We don’t think anyone will mind.
- Declare war on Scotland. Everybody works harder when there’s a war on.
- Nationalise ice cream vans and have them drive around the country serving subsidised 99s to the national anthem.
- Abolish income tax and replace it with a progressive tax on unhappiness. The less happy you are, the more you pay. Everybody should just smile! Be happy! Don’t let the Government Happiness Inspectors catch you crying!
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