Perks and recreation

Piecemeal studies give us unsettling, surprising, and sometimes amusing insights into our deepest, and possibly darkest, desires.

Recently a study by www.mobileslots.com asked people in the UK to suggest the perks at work that they want the most. After exhaustive analysis on our parts, we’ve grouped together selections of these top perks to identify who really works in our offices.

1) Toddlers

Yes, this came to us as a surprise as well, but it seems that possibly the majority of the workforce are under the age of four. In a revelation that must be shocking to the Department of Work and Pensions and child services, children are being ruthlessly exploited by companies across the UK.

See for yourself their infantile wishlist:

• Ball pits
• Slides
• Ice cream vans
• A carousel
• Nap Room

Somebody should call somebody… or something.

2) The Aristocracy

Far from their reputation as the idle rich, it seems the gentry have infiltrated the everyday office environment. But true to form, they do miss a few of their creature comforts from their family seats:

• Personal butler
• Shoe shiner
• Chandeliers (why?)
• Marble floors (why??)
• Posh hand cream in the toilets

We’re as baffled by this as you are.

3) People who fundamentally don’t understand how offices work

This one is self-explanatory:

• A garden
• A greenhouse
• A zip wire
• A bakery
• An aquarium

People really fail to grasp the concepts of inside and outside, and possibly the laws of physics. We do salute their pie in the sky thinking however.

 4) The terminally boring

These poor people have been so trodden down by the idea of work and working that even their most creative ideas for office perks are super depressing:

• Unlimited ink in the printer
• Unlimited sticky notes
• Personalised car park spots
• A library
• Free toiletries in the staff toilets

Just reading these makes us sad.

 5) The terminally lazy

Well, this one is no surprise. In what is a damning indictment on employee engagement, it seems that a lot of people would rather be unconscious than conscious while at work:

• Waterbeds
• Heated Chairs
• Massage Chairs
• Hammocks
• Bean bags

The end goal is to work from King size beds, snuggled under down duvets.

6) Creative geniuses

Yes, there are always a few that drive innovation and take on the lion’s share of the work. Just as they push boundaries in their work, we are also humbled by their boundary pushing in perk technology:

• Puppy/kitten room
• A bar that pops up at 5pm
• A daily buffet
• A slush machine for the summer
• A personal barista to make your coffee

To all of these we say: yes, please.

About the author

Jerome Langford

Jerome is a graduate in Philosophy from St Andrews, who alternately spends time writing about HR and staring wistfully out of windows, thinking about life’s bigger questions: Why are we here? How much lunch is too much lunch? What do you mean exactly by ‘final warning’?