Top Ten: Time Management

Everybody wants an edge. Shortcuts, lifehacks, call them what you will — quick ways to improve your life at home and at work are peddled to you from all corners of the web. Drink only the finest coffee, made from beans pooed out by a reticulated iguana found only in the deepest Congo. Get an aerodynamic haircut to shave precious nanoseconds off your morning commute.

Separating the truth from the psychobabble is a daunting task. Fear not, though. We’re cutting through the quackery to give you the real lowdown on how best to squeeze that little bit extra from your day.

1. Avoid doing any time sensitive tasks with your left hand, for it is the devil’s hand. If the right hand was good enough for God, it’s good enough for you, buddy.

2. Did you know on average you waste around eight hours per day sleeping? Try cutting sleep out of your schedule for a few days and see how much time you save.

3. Coffee? Forget coffee — that stuff is for chumps. For a real buzz, go straight to the source. At HRville we mainline pure caffeine bought from our industrial supplier. The only drawback is that if we stop, we die! Please send help.

4. Often late to work because the train was full? Consider never showering – you save the time of washing and people on trains make way as if you were royalty.

5. Science has proven that our attention span only lasts a few scant minutes. To maximise the amount you get done in an hour, alternate between 5 minute periods of work and 55 minute breaks. You’ll be amazed at how much you get done.

6. The most productive animal is surely the humble honeybee. Take a lesson from bees — move into a hexagonal apartment and start storing honey compulsively.

7. People often despair at the amount of time wasted in meetings. Little known fact: despair is a great motivator. Meet as often as possible to ensure you despair as much as you can.

8. An ancient technique passed down to us by a master of the art: try secluding yourself in a mountain retreat and considering how trees grow. In only twenty years, you’ll return to civilisation with an inexplicable drive to never waste a second of your time.

9. You’re looking for productivity tips while sitting there wearing shoes? Get with the times. We’ve only worn rollerblades in the office for years and have made massive time savings. Send us pics after you convert your office floor into a giant halfpipe.

10. Reflect for a moment on the transitory nature of your life and how you might die at any moment. Wow, your desire to stare at Facebook just drains away, doesn’t it?

About the author

Jerome Langford

Jerome is a graduate in Philosophy from St Andrews, who alternately spends time writing about HR and staring wistfully out of windows, thinking about life’s bigger questions: Why are we here? How much lunch is too much lunch? What do you mean exactly by ‘final warning’?